President Obama urges patience in war on Alex Rodriguez
Updated: February 10, 2011

By Zaki,

As the war against Alex Rodriguez moves into its 35th year, President Obama asked the country to remain patient on Wednesday while paparazzi, Fox broadcasters and more than 135,000 U.S. troops work tirelessly day and night to find the Yankee wherever he is and piss him off.

The President’s comments came three days after a successful campaign in Dallas, TX that sent Rodriguez into a blind rage after operatives successfully broadcast Cameron Diaz hand-feeding the insurgent some popcorn at the Super Bowl.

“While that was a job well done by our brave servicemen and women and pretty damn funny, this war is far from over,” Obama said during a speech at the Pentagon about the war on Alex Rodriguez. “This she-man is our top priority and I assure you that we are out to get it. Along with the rest of the nation, we are completely obsessed with it and its every move.”

Many critics of the war have called for more diplomacy in asking Rodriguez to just stop making himself such an easy target all the time, but previous attempts to reach out to the international fugitive have only resulted in even more autoerotic behavior.

Several countries have recently come to the aid of the U.S., including Rodriguez’s native Dominican Republic, who have cut all ties to the insurgent and will send 3,000 soldiers to the U.S. to “make sure the insufferable little s-t never tries to enter [their] country again,” according to a Dominican official.

Zaki is the Chief Rocka and senior writer for and thinks you should hurry up and follow the site on Twitter and Facebook before it's too late.

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