Report: Adrian Peterson not a slave
Updated: March 16, 2011

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The world of professional sports was rocked early Wednesday morning by a report that Vikings running back Adrian Peterson is not a slave, refuting the widely-accepted belief that the four-time Pro Bowler was a “modern-day slave.”

“This changes everything,” said Ricky Franz, a long-time Vikings fan who always saw Peterson as a modern-day slave. “It’s like, if Adrian Peterson isn’t a slave, then who is?”

The report cites Peterson’s 2010 income of well over $0.01, lack of chained appendages and freedom as the primary indicators that the running back could not possibly be a slave.

“Not only did we find that Adrian Peterson is not a slave as we once thought, but he is in fact the polar opposite of a slave and is wealthy beyond all comprehension with the freedom to find another occupation,” said head researcher Arie Miller from the Institute for the Study of Modern-Day Slaves. “We also found him to be completely detached from reality.”

In addition to the discovery that Peterson is a well-paid professional athlete, the report also indicated that as many as 100% of other well-paid professional athletes are not slaves.

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