Report: Adrian Peterson not a slave

March 16, 2011 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

The world of professional sports was rocked early Wednesday morning by a report that Vikings running back Adrian Peterson is not a slave, refuting the widely-accepted belief that the four-time Pro Bowler was a “modern-day slave.”

“This changes everything,” said Ricky Franz, a long-time Vikings fan who always saw Peterson as a modern-day slave. “It’s like, if Adrian Peterson isn’t a slave, then who is?”

The report cites Peterson’s 2010 income of well over $0.01, lack of chained appendages and freedom as the primary indicators that the running back could not possibly be a slave.

“Not only did we find that Adrian Peterson is not a slave as we once thought, but he is in fact the polar opposite of a slave and is wealthy beyond all comprehension with the freedom to find another occupation,” said head researcher Arie Miller from the Institute for the Study of Modern-Day Slaves. “We also found him to be completely detached from reality.”

In addition to the discovery that Peterson is a well-paid professional athlete, the report also indicated that as many as 100% of other well-paid professional athletes are not slaves.

Favre leaves football to spend quality time with lawyers

January 4, 2011 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

Brett Favre announced that he will retire from the NFL after 20 seasons in order to spend more quality time with his team of lawyers, who Favre says he “rarely ever saw” during his playing career.

“I was so focused on my football career for so many years that getting into trouble so I could be with my lawyers kind of took a back seat,” Favre said while holding back tears during his retirement announcement. “But with all that harassing I did, including the stuff they don’t even know about yet, we’ll have plenty of time to catch up now.”

Despite having the worst statistical season of his career, playing on the most disappointing team of his career, suffering through the worst injuries of his career, dealing with a mid-season coaching change and getting knocked into Bolivian by a rookie in his final game, effectively ending his season and career, Favre insist he regrets nothing about the way he is leaving the game.

“I’m leaving on my own terms,” Favre added.

Report: This story way better than Eagles game last night

December 29, 2010 by  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

According to a report released Wednesday, what you are currently reading is way more entertaining than what you saw last night during the Eagles game even if sources indicate that this story is extremely dumb and mostly unreadable.

The report details that this story contains a link to a photo of Teddy Ruxpin (here) and a video of the theme to Perfect Strangers (here), which have absolutely no business in a news story about the Eagles, but sources agree that anything at all would be better than actually talking about the game.

“Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy and evening TV,” read part of the report. “When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home — everywhere you look.”

It remains unclear how one of the top football teams in the world could become so unwatchable for three hours, but here’s Kimmy Gibbler.

“Jibba-ja-ba-ba-dow,” the report added.

Eagles-Vikings game postponed until snow shovel found

December 27, 2010 by  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

The NFL announced that Sunday’s game between the Eagles and Vikings will be postponed indefinitely after the city of Philadelphia’s snow shovel and mittens could not be found.

Emergency crews worked all day Sunday and into the night to try and locate the lost items, but could not find the shovel or any other makeshift tool to clear the streets of snow in time for the game.

“Even if we could locate the shovel, we would still need to find the mittens,” said Eagles owner Jeff Lurie. “No mittens, no football in Philly. That’s what it came down to.”

Sidelined by the storm on Sunday, the Eagles and Vikings enjoyed a thrilling pickup game in the snow at Lincoln Financial Field which the Eagles won 91-3.

Favre holding out of Vikings training camp for more attention

August 3, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

Brett Favre informed teammates on Tuesday that he will hold out from attending Vikings training camp until he receives more attention from the general public.

“Brett’s not happy with his current attention level and thinks less talented players are currently receiving more attention than he is,” said Vikings head coach Brad Childress. “Until people are talking about him both day and night without interruption, he won’t come to camp.”

Sources close to the situation said that there is a possibility that Favre will retire as a result of the attention deficit, but team officials said that this is likely a ploy to just get more attention.

Brett Favre may return next season as Peyton Manning

January 25, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

Following Sunday’s loss to the New Orleans Saints, Vikings quarterback Brett Favre wasted no time in announcing his intentions to return to the NFL next season, hopefully as Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.

“There will be no retirement this year. I’m definitely coming back,” Favre said during his post-game conference. “There’s an outside chance I could come back with the Vikings, but I’d really like to just be Peyton Manning next year. I think I’ve gone about as far as I’m gonna go as Brett Favre, so my only shot at winning another Super Bowl is to return as Peyton Manning, somehow. That’s the goal.”

Favre also mentioned that he would consider a return as Drew Brees if the Saints were to win the Super Bowl, “but that probably won’t happen, so we’ll cross that bridge if we get there.”

Favre tells Childress he’s not ever leaving game of football

December 22, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress wanted to give Brett Favre a rest in Sunday’s 26-7 loss to the Carolina Panthers, but the future Hall of Famer insisted he stay in the game, forever.

“I don’t know if he was trying to protect me or that we only had seven points, or what,” Favre said of Brad Childress’ decision to sit him. “But I said ‘I’m staying in the game. I’m playing. Forever. Ya dig?’ Brett Favre. What.”

Childress downplayed the exchange and characterized the discussion as a “back and forth” fueled by Favre’s unwillingness to acknowledge him as the head coach.