76ers politely ask Evan Turner to become superstar by next week
Updated: December 28, 2011

By , thatballsouttahere.com

The Sixers started their season with a stumble, wasting a second half comeback against Portland to fall 107-103. While the loss itself was not a complete surprise after a lukewarm 2010-11 campaign, it was merely the most recent reminder that the team lacks a flashy, game-changing superstar who could have done something incredible.

“We don’t have a ‘go-to’ guy,” Sixers fan Dwayne Herbor explained during his standard drunken post game analysis on the subway. “Hell, we don’t even have an ‘angry second-in-command’ guy. I’d settle for a ‘shows flashes of brilliance, but then leaves a loaded gun in his locker’ guy. Hey, have you seen my kids? One of them’s got asthma or leukemia or something.”

Truly, there has not been a heavy-hitting Sixers star since Allen Iverson, and in this new NBA season, the Sixers have asked young 2010 second round draft pick Evan Turner to step into the role by next Friday.

Turner has taken a bench role since joining the team, slowly acclimating himself with professional play. However, the Sixers feel the time for him to evolve into an elite, impossibly-talented franchise icon begins now.

“I’ll be honest, I have plays drawn up that begin with Evan stealing the ball from Kobe Bryant and end with him slamming a flaming basketball in the net, like in NBA Jam,” Sixers head coach Doug Collins admits. “Some guys say it’s a little too specific to start a play that involves a certain player on another team, but what if Kobe is traded tomorrow? Then who’s going to look like a genius?”

Some worry that it may be a bit too much pressure to put on their young player, but those people have been quick to be labeled “cowards” and “nonbelievers,” and removed from the organization.

Turner was called into the office of Sixers owner Adam Aron on Tuesday for a “critical meeting on team objectives.” The second year guard was the sole player invited and appeared extremely nervous.

Upon exiting, Turner appeared “…crushed, as if the weight of several worlds had just been placed on his young shoulders,” explained one front office insider. “Any hint of youthful exuberance was completely gone. His eyes were so dead I almost called an ambulance.”


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