New umpiring technology will console umpires after blown calls

In an effort to avoid the fallout from missed calls by umpires, Major League Baseball will begin utilizing a new technology that will dispense tissues and gently rock umpires to sleep after suffering the embarrassment of blowing a simple call. Commissioner... [Read more...]

More National News
Goodell: Roethlisberger sexually violated NFL conduct policy

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said during a radio show appearance Monday that Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted the league’s personal conduct policy, and that a suspension would be forthcoming. “According to witnesses, Roethlisberger was out drinking with his friends when he began to... [Read more]

Woods gets warm welcome back from behind those bushes

Excited to see Tiger Woods return from his trip behind those bushes over there, fans cheered on the world’s greatest golfer in Friday’s second round of the Masters. Woods, playing in his first tournament since last November, hit his first tee shot into the deep rough and disappeared as he... [Read more]

Adam Schefter: Raiders still front-runner for someone, dammit

After losing out to the Redskins for Donovan McNabb, the Oakland Raiders still remain the front-runner to land someone, say, Adrian Peterson, league sources tell ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter. The sources say the ingredients for a trade are still in place. Schefter is pretty sure the Raiders are still... [Read more]

Mets’ Santana to test arm against lifeless batters

After facing live batters for the first time since having season-ending elbow surgery last year, Johan Santana is scheduled to throw lifeless batters over the weekend. Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday... [Read more]

IOC admits about six Olympic events made up on plane ride

The International Olympic Committe (IOC) members confessed that alcohol and extreme boredom on the plane ride to Vancouver led to the creation of at least six Winter Olympic events. “There’s a reason you’ve never heard of some of these events and it’s because we made it up a couple... [Read more]

NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest taken off life support

After ten years in a persistent vegetative state, the NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest has died just a few hours after its 26th birthday. The brain-dead event was removed from life support early Sunday morning when four NBA players realized they had finally run out of ways to thrust a basketball through... [Read more]

Thousands flee as obnoxious Saints fans hit New Orleans

Much of New Orleans has been destroyed after a drunken orgy of Saints fans ripped through the city late Sunday night, leveling everything in its path. Hundreds of thousands managed to evacuate the city before it was pummeled, but others were left behind and watched as their beloved city was reduced to... [Read more]

Lazy recruit fully intends to sign letter of intent at some point

Top football recruit Edward Upsher announced on Wednesday’s signing day that he will definitely sign a letter of intent to a major university when he gets around to it. “I am committed to sitting down with my family in the next couple months to figure out where I’m going to play football... [Read more]

Brett Favre may return next season as Peyton Manning

Following Sunday’s loss to the New Orleans Saints, Vikings quarterback Brett Favre wasted no time in announcing his intentions to return to the NFL next season, hopefully as Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “There will be no retirement this year. I’m definitely coming back,”... [Read more]

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