Police: Ryan Howard wanted in connection with left field bomb

September 9, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Philadelphia police have issued an arrest warrant for Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard in connection with a bomb found in the left field stands at Citizens Bank Park on Wednesday.

“We are now looking for one Ryan James Howard,” said a Philadelphia police spokesman. “The suspect is approximately 6-foot-4 and 255 pounds. Be advised that this man is armed and dangerous as fuck.”

Howard is also believed to be connected to 27 more bombs found in at least 11 ballparks around the country. The blasts have left over one million fans “totally thrilled,” according to a police spokesman.

“Mr. Howard is a trained professional that we’re classifying as a repeat offender,” continued the spokesman of Howard, who was acquitted for bringing the pain in September of ’06, ’07, ’08 and ’09. “If you see this man, the best thing to do is to not engage. Just dial 9-1-1 and find someone else to pitch to until police arrive.”

Report: Nachos tasting better after Phillies fire old nacho guy

July 26, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Ballpark sources indicate that nachos have been tasting a lot better ever since the Phillies fired the old nacho guy last Friday, even though the team continues to use the same nachos from before.

The Phillies fired Tom Formanek, nacho guy since 2005, in an effort to shake up the underperforming nacho game at Citizens Bank Park and, according to sources, the nachos have responded well to the change.

“The nachos have been absolutely delicious the past few games,” said Joe Hackett, who sampled several nachos during the Phillies’ sweep of the Rockies. “I know they’re the same nachos as before, but for some reason, they just taste so much better now that they fired that old nacho guy.”

Ian Sullivan will take over as the new nacho guy for Formanek, who is reportedly unhappy with the move.

“I feel like I’m the scapegoat here,” said Formanek. “And of course as soon as they hire this new guy, the nachos start tasting better all of the sudden. He takes them out of the bag and puts them on a plate the same way I did. But somehow they taste better?”

The Phillies are happy with the production of their nachos so far in the second half but, according to sources, GM Ruben Amaro may be next out the door if the nachos can’t maintain their addictive flavor.