Why is Cole Hamels still on this team? by Joey Bagadonuts
Updated: April 14, 2010

By Joey Bagadonuts, Columnist

The next time somebody even mentions the name “Cole Hamels” to me, I’m gonna ralph my brajole right in his face.

Who is this guy and who said he could still pitch in this town? Every time I turn around, he’s either doing his hair or giving up a home run to some douche bag instead of doing his freakin’ job. He’s worthless to the team and I say we dump him for whatever we can get right now.

Here’s what I say we do: We trade this bastard for another pitcher that can get the job done. There’s always some dumb team out there willing to take a chance on a young douche like Hollywood Hamels that will give us an ace, like Cliff Lee, hallowed be thy name.

You can’t tell me the Astros wouldn’t trade Roy Oswalt for Cole Hamels right now. The Astros SUCK! They still haven’t even won a game yet and need to rebuild. Cole would be a great fit for them since he’s young and they’re probably looking to deal Oswalt since he’s a good player on a bad team, so it’s a win-win for everybody. Ruben, if you’re reading this, get this thing rolling. And don’t forget who gave you the idea.

I just want it to be known that wherever I am, I will be booing this stuck up nutsack as loud as I can every chance I get. I wish I had front row seats at the Bank so he could hear me and know it was me that was booing him and making his life a living hell. I’ll boo until I get my way and he’s run out of town just like we did to Donovan McScab. And I don’t care if they trade Cole to the Mets either, that’s even better since I’ll still be able to boo him to his face when he visits.

Bottom line is that my Phillies would be a much better team without Cole the Mole and his dumb windup. We gotta have some guy in the minors that can do a better job right now. I mean there are like 500 guys in the Phillies minor league system and one of them would be happy to come up here and pitch his ass off for us.

We’ll never win a World Series with him in the rotation. We have to trade him right now before he sucks more and teams don’t want him. In the meantime, I hope everyone will join me in booing this guy off the field the next time he gives up a hit or throws a ball or wakes up in the morning. He’s got to learn that we don’t tolerate giving up solo home runs in this town. You’re not in Canada or wherever the hell you came from, Cole. Either get people out like you did in 2008 or GTFO.

As a life-long fan of Philly sports, Joey Bagadonuts is the perfect representative of the entire city and a regular caller of every sports talk radio station in the area. As such, he is more than qualified to write this column and hurl insults back at you if you don't like what he says.

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