Ryan Madson opts to retire to provide better life for wife

April 14, 2011 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Citing a desire to provide a better, more normal life for his wife, Phillies pitcher Ryan Madson announced his sudden retirement from baseball on Thursday.

Madson’s wife, Sarah, recently opened up to discuss her ordeal as the wife of a professional baseball player and detailed her profound disgust for Phillies fans which ultimately forced her husband to retire.

“It is because I don’t want to subject my wife to this awful existence that I have decided to retire from baseball,” said Madson, who ends a nine-year career with the Phillies in order to finally give his wife the normal, lower-middle-class life she always wanted. “No more Phillies fans bothering us all the time. Just a regular life with a stack of bills and no idea how to pay them just like everyone else.”

Madson, who will forfeit the rest of his 2011 salary of $4.5 million, will now try to search for a job for the next six months before being forced to work at McDonald’s for minimum wage until something comes up.

Chad Durbin keeps acting like he’s still on Phillies

February 18, 2011 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Without a contract, an invitation or any sort of media credentials, free agent reliever Chad Durbin reported to Phillies Spring Training anyway and continues to act like he is still part of the team.

Durbin, who was one of the Phillies’ most reliable relievers over the past three seasons, has been showing up to press conferences and asking if anyone wants to throw since the first day of Spring Training.

“At first, we thought he was just stopping by to say what’s up,” said Ryan Madson. “But this is Friday and he’s still here. We’re all pretty freaked out and don’t know what to do, actually.”

The Phillies dealt with a similar situation in 1995 when Gregg Jefferies showed up uninvited to Spring Training and hung around for the next three years.

Rollins wants to go back to DL after struggling on the outside

May 18, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins was released from the Disabled List on Monday but the former MVP is already talking about wanting to return after struggling to adjust to life on the outside, a sign that he may be institutionalized.

Rollins was 2-for-4 with two runs scored in the Phillies’ 12-2 romp over the Pirates on Monday, his first game back after serving a one-month stint on the Phillies bench.

“There’s a harsh truth to face. No way I’m gonna make it on the outside,” said Rollins, who began his temporary job as a three-hole hitter on Monday. “All I do anymore is think of ways to injure myself so they’ll send me back. I could injure Kyle [Kendrick] while I’m at it, sort of like a bonus.”

Phillies pitcher Ryan Madson is currently serving a two-month stretch for aggravated assault on a metal folding chair, though Madson maintains his life was threatened and acted in self defense.

Manuel elevates Madson’s official role to ‘bullpen janitor’

September 9, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Charlie Manuel rewarded Ryan Madson’s efforts in Tuesday’s win over the Nationals by giving him a special role for the remainder of the season as the bullpen’s designated orderly.

In his new role, Madson will shadow the team’s current closer, Brad Lidge, to tidy up any mess left behind as well as change an occasional bedpan.

“When Charlie pulled me into his office yesterday, I thought he was going to name me the team’s new closer,” Madson said on Wednesday sporting his new uniform with clip-on ID badge. “But he just said Lidge is still our best option and handed me this mop and a can of toilet bowl cleaner.”

Madson bailed out Lidge and the Phillies by recording the final two outs with the bases loaded against two of the better hitters in the National League in Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn.

“It was one of those situations that shows you’ve got the stuff to close out the tough games,” Madson said of his performance. “But as much as I’d love to continue this interview, Brad just shat the bed again. Duty calls.”

Rain insists there’s plenty of blame to go around on this one

June 18, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

For everyone that’s still not comfortable with letting the boo birds loose with how awful the Phillies have played at home (and esepcially against the Blue Jays), here’s a little Milli Vanilli for you.

Weekend series win over Yanks overshadowed by disappearance of Brad Lidge

May 25, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

The Phils took two of three from the Skanks over the weekend, but the real story was the ongoing search for closer Brad Lidge, who may have been abducted following last year’s World Series win.

“We’re all trying to pull ourselves together as a team and get through this,” said Ryan Madson. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great to walk into the Yanks’ new home and drop a deuce on their living room floor . . . but we just really miss Lidgey.”

In his absence, the team has replaced Lidge with a fake, look-alike Lidge subsitute, Frad Fidge, who has posted a 9.15 ERA in 21 games. Fidge blew two saves during the weekend series, giving him four for the season, which is four more than Lidge blew all of last season.

“Fidge is doing his best out there given the situation,” said Eric Bruntlett. “He’s getting his face beaten in at a pretty nasty clip until the real Lidge is found, and we just hope that’s sooner than later.”