Daily News cover puts A-Rod in beach chair

November 4, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Alex RodriguezThe New York Post ran a front page story today with Pedro Martinez in a diaper along with the headline “Spank Him, Yanks: Daddy to whup Pedro tonight.” Naturally, the Philadelphia Daily News rolled out a similar story later in the day with Yankees star Alex Rodriguez relaxing in a beach chair.

The cover immediately caused controversy because of the way A-Rod’s incredibly large breasts — or ‘bitch tits’ according to his former teammates -  were shown in the photo.

The Daily News removed the photo from its website, Philly.com, and pulled print issues from the shelves, but PhillyGameday.com was able to retrieve a copy beforehand (left).

EDITOR’S NOTE: If there were ever a time one team needed to bear down and play out-of-their-minds baseball, that time is now. I think just as important as it is for the Phils to win this series, it’s just as important that the Yankees lose it. LET’S GET IT DONE PHILS!

My freakishly swollen hand is fine, says Victorino

November 3, 2009 by Andy  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

After getting hit on the hand by an A.J. Burnett fastball in the first inning, many are wondering if Shane Victorino will be ready to play for the Phillies in Game 6. Victorino says that he will be ready to play, and that his freakishly swollen hand is fine.

“My hand is completely fine,” said Victorino, as he removed it from a bucket of ice water. “This amount of swelling is normal for me after any game. I just happened to get hit by a 93 mile-per-hour fastball, so everybody is freaking out. But I assure you, I am more than OK and will be able to play in Game 6.”

Victorino said he may be a bit delirious from the amount of pain medication he is on, but he is very persistent in his claims that he will be ready to go tomorrow night.

“It’s the World Series. I don’t care if my hand looks like a balloon, that it turned these funny colors or that my middle and ring fingers are currently not functioning. I’m going to be out there.”

Manuel slams Ruiz for not covering field with tarp after game

November 2, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The Phillies took another awful loss to the Yankees on Sunday and while several thousand things went wrong for the Fightins during the game, it may have been what didn’t happen after the game that set Charlie Manuel off the most: Someone at Citizen’s Bank Ballpark forgot to roll the tarp out onto the field.

“That’s the catcher’s responsibility in that situation,” Manuel said of Carlos Ruiz, although several members of the grounds crew were spotted closer to the tarp with nothing else to do after the game. “He’s faster than most of the grounds crew and I think he’s got to know that when there’s rain in the area, he’s got to be the guy to make sure the field is covered at night.”

Ruiz, who has only struck out five times in 93 career postseason at bats, will bat eighth again for the Phillies in Game 5 despite being one of the only hitters to lay off of balls thrown well outside of our planet’s orbit on a consistent basis.

A-Rod’s playoff swing leaves him for guy in third row

October 31, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

Criticized for years as a player that couldn’t get it done in the postseason, Alex Rodriguez finally got it together in the first two rounds of this year’s playoffs, hitting five home runs with 12 RBI in nine games against the Twins and Angels. However, A-Rod seems to have once again lost his swing after going 0-8 with six strikeouts in his first two World Series games against the Phillies.

“I just don’t understand it,” said a confused Rodriguez. “You spend all this money on flowers and anabolic steroids to keep your swing happy, and it just up and leaves you like this.”

A-Rod was able to locate his swing on Saturday, but in the arms of a significantly less effeminate man.

“I just felt used,” said the jilted swing. “I know the only reason he kept me around was to make him money. The bastard cheated on me before and even though he said it was just that one time and I forgave him, I know he was still messin’ around on me. Now that I think about it, I have no idea what I ever saw in him in the first place.”

Sentencing set for that one columnist that has Phils winning it

October 28, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Wyoming sports columnist Terry Moss has landed in hot water after proclaiming there may be an outside chance that the Phillies could possibly, maybe win the four games necessary to win the World Series.

Moss’ column instantly set off a firestorm that led to his arrest and instant prosecution by the Wyoming State Supreme Court.

“We don’t have any sports of our own to follow, so I thought I’d throw my prediction out there for the series,” Moss said from his jail cell on Tuesday. “I followed both teams all year and thought the Phillies had a decent shot at repeating, so that’s what I wrote. Would I write it again, knowing I’d be thrown in jail? [Expletive] yeah, I would.”

Moss was convicted on all four counts of unbiased sportswriting, which carries a minimum 15-year sentence, though his defense team tried to excuse Moss’ actions with an insanity defense, to no avail. The judge ultimately decided that Moss was a danger to himself and the baseball community with such heinous ideas.

Mets fan depressed by Yankees-Phillies series, being a Mets fan

October 26, 2009 by Andy  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Garrett Brookston, a 36-year-old Mets fan from Tuckahoe, New York is taking the Yankees-Phillies World Series match-up pretty hard. But he says that pales in comparison to the depression that comes from being a Mets fan.

“Yeah, it’s going to be pretty tough to have to watch the Mets’ biggest rivals play against each other in the World Series. I guess the match-up is only fitting, considering the absolute nightmare season we had to endure this year. Not to mention the late season collapses in previous years.”

Despite the current depression, Brookston says he looks forward to what he hopes will be an active off-season for the Mets.

“Hopefully, we can sign some free agents that will help us compete with the Phillies for the division and maybe get to the Series and face the Yankees. It’s just unfortunate that something in the water at CitiField will probably cause those free agents to get injured or just flat out suck as the Mets try to hold off the Nationals for fourth place. Man, I hate being a Mets fan.”

Report: Jobless, insomniac Phils fans kind of enjoying NLDS

October 12, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Major League Baseball didn’t know what to expect with the midday and late-night start times for NLDS games between the Phillies and Rockies, so the league was overjoyed to hear that such a large contingent of jobless and insomniac Phillies fans had turned out to watch the past three games.

Approximately 17 fans across the Tri-state area have been able to watch each game live in its entirety, thrilling MLB’s Commissioner, Bud Selig.

“With the Yankees, Red Sox and LA teams in the playoffs, it’s been hard to get our reigning World Champs in a decent time slot,” said Selig on Monday. “But going up against Sunday Night Football and Jet Li’s The One, I’m more than pleased with the 15 or so people that stayed with us.”

Ryan Howard’s sacrifice fly in the top of the ninth and Brad Lidge’s save-ish-thing gave the Phils the 6-5 win and a 2-1 series lead. This information comes from a local jobless insomniac, Joe Costello, who was among the handful of people awake enough to record the game’s happenings.

“I definitely stayed up to watch the whole game, but…you know, what the hell else am I gonna do?” said Costello, who was one of the 17 fans that were also able to see the first two games without taking a three-hour lunch break or getting fired altogether. “It’s gonna suck when the Phils start playing at normal times. It was pretty nice having people envy me again.”

The Phillies will take on the Rockies tonight for Game 4 at a more-Godly hour of 6:00 pm ET.

MLB adopts new ‘Most Valuable Jeter’ award

September 15, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

In an effort to finally award Derek Jeter for his outstanding effort on the baseball field, Major League Baseball will award its first ever Most Valuable Jeter Award this off-season to the most valuable player in the league with the last name Jeter.

“Derek Jeter is invaluable to this league and it’s a shame he has no hardware to show for it,” Commissioner Bud Selig said. “Statistics don’t always tell the story of how valuable a player is. With players like Derek Jeter, you have to use other factors, like his last name.”

Last week, Jeter passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader in Yankee history with his 2,722nd base knock, but he has been snubbed each of his previous 14 seasons as the league’s Most Valuable Player.

According to the criteria set forth by the Commissioner’s office, Jeter is the front runner to win the first ever award. Through Monday’s games, the Yankee shortstop leads all eligible players in over 60 different statistical categories.

“If he’s the leader in 60 different statistical categories, then I guess he deserves the award,” said fellow Yankee Mark Teixeira, who leads the AL with 111 RBIs and is second with 35 home runs. “Home runs and RBIs may fill up the stat sheet, but Jete’s got something like 295 intangibles this season. Most of us are walking around with zero and this guy has 295. It’s time to get this guy some hardware.”

An award will be given out in both the American and National Leagues, although no clear cut candidate has emerged from the National League as of yet. While Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols have led their respective teams to potential playoff berths, neither appear to have the last name Jeter, which is the central criteria for the award.

Weekend series win over Yanks overshadowed by disappearance of Brad Lidge

May 25, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

The Phils took two of three from the Skanks over the weekend, but the real story was the ongoing search for closer Brad Lidge, who may have been abducted following last year’s World Series win.

“We’re all trying to pull ourselves together as a team and get through this,” said Ryan Madson. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great to walk into the Yanks’ new home and drop a deuce on their living room floor . . . but we just really miss Lidgey.”

In his absence, the team has replaced Lidge with a fake, look-alike Lidge subsitute, Frad Fidge, who has posted a 9.15 ERA in 21 games. Fidge blew two saves during the weekend series, giving him four for the season, which is four more than Lidge blew all of last season.

“Fidge is doing his best out there given the situation,” said Eric Bruntlett. “He’s getting his face beaten in at a pretty nasty clip until the real Lidge is found, and we just hope that’s sooner than later.”

Source: Steroid coverage pushing A-Rod over the borderline

May 2, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under National

A source close to  Alex Rodriguez said that the ongoing coverage of his steroid use and recent allegations have nearly pushed him over the borderline and that, at times, he feels like he’s “going to lose his mind.”

According to a new book by Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts, Rodriguez took steroids in high school and was nicknamed “B—h T-s” by Yankee teammates in 2005, referring to his round pectorals that he developed from gaining 15 pounds during the off-season.

“You just keep on pushing him…don’t you know you’re driving him crazy,” said the anonymous Grammy Award-winning source. “It’s time for the good times…forget about the bad times, oh yeah.”

Rodriguez is currently in Tampa, FL rehabbing a likely roids-induced hip injury. When asked for a reaction to the allegations that he miraculously increased his bench press from 100 to 310 pounds in a matter of six months as a high school senior, he responded, “I’m not going there.”

“I already read that bull-I mean, I already came clean about my steroid use,” Rodriguez added. “You’ll have to wait until I get caught red han-I mean, I’m just through talking about this.”

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