Ron Washington on loss to Giants: We were out-misfitted

November 2, 2010 by Cranekicker  
Filed under Headlines, National

Ron Washington dismissed rumors that the Rangers ran out of gas during their World Series loss to the Giants and suggested that his team was simply “out-misfitted by the other team.”

“You look over into the Giants dugout and you see Jonathan Sanchez’s eyebrows or that Olive Oyl clone Tim Lincecum. Bunch of misfits over there,” said Washington, a day after his team failed to capture the first championship in franchise history. “I mean, talent wise - on paper - we feel like we had the better team. But they were just too goofy. They had a lot of beards. Pat Burrell wears assless chaps to holiday parties. We were clearly outmanned in that department.”

When asked if his team could have done anything to be goofier, Washington was stoic in his sentiments.

“We tried a few things. We had that little Ron Washington kid come out. We even brought out George W. Bush. I saw some stuff going on in the crowd involving antlers. But it comes down to the players. We have guys who won’t even go near a wine cooler. You knew it was going to be an uphill battle.”

Report: World Series not that cool anymore thanks to Giants

November 2, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

According to a report released Tuesday, winning the World Series now ranks below ads and Ace of Base in general popularity among professional baseball players.

Players were polled after watching the Giants hoist the World Series trophy and an overwhelming 87% of players agreed that they “don’t even want that shit anymore.”

“I’m just not that into it, to be honest,” an anonymous player said of the once-coveted championship. “I think instead of going after the trophy or a ring, guys are starting to really dig money now. That’s kind of the new thing.”

Researchers point to the severe drop in fan interest in the Fall Classic and the ability of the Giants to win a major sports championship with assorted excrement from other teams has made winning the World Series the least cool thing a player can do in life.

Jeter’s 15th straight Lead Foot Award draws major criticism

November 10, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

Derek Jeter celebrated a World Series championship with his teammates last week and will now celebrate his 15th consecutive American League Lead Foot Award at the shortstop position.

The award typically goes to the player at each position with the range of a morbidly obese paraplegic, but some feel that other more deserving candidates were snubbed for this year’s award.

“I think Jeter’s quicksand range at his position is well documented and no one is disputing his lack of ability to field a ball hit slowly up the middle, but we have to make sure this award went to the right guy,” said one anonymous American League general manager. “Most American League shortstops are more than capable of fielding the routine grounders that seem to give Jeter such a difficult time, so I’m not saying he didn’t deserve his Lead Foot, but let’s not just give it to the guy based on his reputation alone is all I’m saying.”

Jeter did an excellent job of fielding balls hit directly at his glove, which also earned him his fourth Gold Glove of his career.

Hamels, Howard taking devastating World Series loss in stride

November 5, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The Phillies lost their bid to become the first back-to-back World Series champions since the 1976 Cincinnati Reds as the Yankees took home their 27th championship in team history. Many members of the Phils could barely pull themselves off the dugout floor after taking a roundhouse kick to the junk, but Cole Hamels and Ryan Howard managed to hold their heads high in defeat.

“Oh my gosh, it’s finally over!” exclaimed Hamels, somehow in the middle of the Yankees clubhouse celebration. “It’s something I honestly thought would never happen but here we are and it’s just unreal. Such an incredible feeling. I’m glowing…do you see this? I’m actually glowing right now.”

Howard set a World Series record by striking out 13 times in the six-game series, but was relatively upbeat after Wednesday’s loss.

“I’m not gonna lie, it does hurt a little,” Howard said after spraying the Bronx crowd with two bottles of champagne. “But I don’t think anyone should be disappointed with the way things turned out. People are probably gonna say that we could have easily beat the Yanks and you know what? They’re probably right. But DJ Hero is finally out for my Xbox and I’ve only got about 96 days to get rollin’ on that, so…umm…love, peace and chicken grease, I’m out.”

Daily News cover puts A-Rod in beach chair

November 4, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Alex RodriguezThe New York Post ran a front page story today with Pedro Martinez in a diaper along with the headline “Spank Him, Yanks: Daddy to whup Pedro tonight.” Naturally, the Philadelphia Daily News rolled out a similar story later in the day with Yankees star Alex Rodriguez relaxing in a beach chair.

The cover immediately caused controversy because of the way A-Rod’s incredibly large breasts — or ‘bitch tits’ according to his former teammates -  were shown in the photo.

The Daily News removed the photo from its website,, and pulled print issues from the shelves, but was able to retrieve a copy beforehand (left).

EDITOR’S NOTE: If there were ever a time one team needed to bear down and play out-of-their-minds baseball, that time is now. I think just as important as it is for the Phils to win this series, it’s just as important that the Yankees lose it. LET’S GET IT DONE PHILS!

My freakishly swollen hand is fine, says Victorino

November 3, 2009 by Andy  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

After getting hit on the hand by an A.J. Burnett fastball in the first inning, many are wondering if Shane Victorino will be ready to play for the Phillies in Game 6. Victorino says that he will be ready to play, and that his freakishly swollen hand is fine.

“My hand is completely fine,” said Victorino, as he removed it from a bucket of ice water. “This amount of swelling is normal for me after any game. I just happened to get hit by a 93 mile-per-hour fastball, so everybody is freaking out. But I assure you, I am more than OK and will be able to play in Game 6.”

Victorino said he may be a bit delirious from the amount of pain medication he is on, but he is very persistent in his claims that he will be ready to go tomorrow night.

“It’s the World Series. I don’t care if my hand looks like a balloon, that it turned these funny colors or that my middle and ring fingers are currently not functioning. I’m going to be out there.”

A-Rod’s playoff swing leaves him for guy in third row

October 31, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

Criticized for years as a player that couldn’t get it done in the postseason, Alex Rodriguez finally got it together in the first two rounds of this year’s playoffs, hitting five home runs with 12 RBI in nine games against the Twins and Angels. However, A-Rod seems to have once again lost his swing after going 0-8 with six strikeouts in his first two World Series games against the Phillies.

“I just don’t understand it,” said a confused Rodriguez. “You spend all this money on flowers and anabolic steroids to keep your swing happy, and it just up and leaves you like this.”

A-Rod was able to locate his swing on Saturday, but in the arms of a significantly less effeminate man.

“I just felt used,” said the jilted swing. “I know the only reason he kept me around was to make him money. The bastard cheated on me before and even though he said it was just that one time and I forgave him, I know he was still messin’ around on me. Now that I think about it, I have no idea what I ever saw in him in the first place.”

Sentencing set for that one columnist that has Phils winning it

October 28, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Wyoming sports columnist Terry Moss has landed in hot water after proclaiming there may be an outside chance that the Phillies could possibly, maybe win the four games necessary to win the World Series.

Moss’ column instantly set off a firestorm that led to his arrest and instant prosecution by the Wyoming State Supreme Court.

“We don’t have any sports of our own to follow, so I thought I’d throw my prediction out there for the series,” Moss said from his jail cell on Tuesday. “I followed both teams all year and thought the Phillies had a decent shot at repeating, so that’s what I wrote. Would I write it again, knowing I’d be thrown in jail? [Expletive] yeah, I would.”

Moss was convicted on all four counts of unbiased sportswriting, which carries a minimum 15-year sentence, though his defense team tried to excuse Moss’ actions with an insanity defense, to no avail. The judge ultimately decided that Moss was a danger to himself and the baseball community with such heinous ideas.

Mets fan depressed by Yankees-Phillies series, being a Mets fan

October 26, 2009 by Andy  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Garrett Brookston, a 36-year-old Mets fan from Tuckahoe, New York is taking the Yankees-Phillies World Series match-up pretty hard. But he says that pales in comparison to the depression that comes from being a Mets fan.

“Yeah, it’s going to be pretty tough to have to watch the Mets’ biggest rivals play against each other in the World Series. I guess the match-up is only fitting, considering the absolute nightmare season we had to endure this year. Not to mention the late season collapses in previous years.”

Despite the current depression, Brookston says he looks forward to what he hopes will be an active off-season for the Mets.

“Hopefully, we can sign some free agents that will help us compete with the Phillies for the division and maybe get to the Series and face the Yankees. It’s just unfortunate that something in the water at CitiField will probably cause those free agents to get injured or just flat out suck as the Mets try to hold off the Nationals for fourth place. Man, I hate being a Mets fan.”

This World Series stuff is getting pretty old, says nobody

October 22, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The Phillies will make their second trip to the World Series in as many years and while most fans are once again overjoyed and totally hung over with Phils Phever, one fan can’t seem to get into this most recent title run.

“I just can’t get excited this time around,” says nobody, a business manager from Doylestown. “It’s like it happens every year now where someone steps up big every night to completely obliterate the heart and soul of some opposing team that everyone outside of this area wanted to see win instead of the Phillies. How is that exciting?”

Nobody went on to say that if the Phillies end up topping the Yankees for their third World Championship in franchise history and second straight World Phuckin Championship, that he may stop watching the Phillies altogether and follow the Philadelphia Union or something.