Report: Buckhalter news first of many former Eagle bombshells; L.J. on deck
Updated: March 20, 2009

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It turns out that the recent accusation by a local drug dealer that former Eagles runningback Correll Buckhalter was one of his clients will be the first of many scandalous nuggets the Eagles will disclose in the coming weeks about their former players. According to a source close to the Eagles, the list includes Brian Dawkins, L.J. Smith, Tra Thomas and that part-time guy that got fired for no damn reason will be named in a potentially damaging report detailing sketchy behavior that was often covered up by the organization.

“I can’t say much at the moment but more will be known in the coming days,” the source told “I will say that we’re close to releasing a story about L.J. Smith’s addiction to Guitar Hero that led to his complete separation from reality and any awareness that he was actually a member of the National Football League and the Phildelphia Eagles for the past several years.”

UPDATE: The Eagles have released a statement noting that former Eagles safety Brian Dawkins was, in fact, born with trace amounts of the metal adamantium throughout his skeletal system. The report goes on to say that there was actually zero effort to keep the future Hall of Famer in Philadelphia and that Eagles President Joe Banner’s constant lying has actually caused his penis to invert to the point where he is now medically an extremely fugly chic.

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