Cautious Elton Brand guarding against injury
Updated: October 30, 2009

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Elton Brand has suffered some pretty serious injuries in the past couple years, an achilles tendon rupture in 2007-08 and a dislocated shoulder requiring surgery in 2008-09. This season, Brand is not taking any chances, and is utilizing every precaution to protect his body.

“If people make fun of me, I don’t care,” said Brand. “I am simply taking care of my body. It just happens to be as fragile as a 94-year-old woman with osteoporosis so I need to be extra cautious.”

Brand says he will protect his body by any means necessary. If he has to wear a football helmet with full shoulder pads or completely wrap himself in bubble wrap, so be it.

“Hey, watch it! You gotta be careful around me!” screamed Brand at Jason Kapono, who let a missed three pointer after practice slowly roll past Brand. “You can’t recklessly miss shots and have the ball go screaming by me like that. It’s dangerous! Hey, can anyone untie my shoes for me? I don’t want to sever any fingers like last time. That was embarrassing.”

Andy is a contributor to and the editor and sole writer for the sports satire and parody blog Real Fake Sports.

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