Cautious Elton Brand guarding against injury

October 30, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Elton Brand has suffered some pretty serious injuries in the past couple years, an achilles tendon rupture in 2007-08 and a dislocated shoulder requiring surgery in 2008-09. This season, Brand is not taking any chances, and is utilizing every precaution to protect his body.

“If people make fun of me, I don’t care,” said Brand. “I am simply taking care of my body. It just happens to be as fragile as a 94-year-old woman with osteoporosis so I need to be extra cautious.”

Brand says he will protect his body by any means necessary. If he has to wear a football helmet with full shoulder pads or completely wrap himself in bubble wrap, so be it.

“Hey, watch it! You gotta be careful around me!” screamed Brand at Jason Kapono, who let a missed three pointer after practice slowly roll past Brand. “You can’t recklessly miss shots and have the ball go screaming by me like that. It’s dangerous! Hey, can anyone untie my shoes for me? I don’t want to sever any fingers like last time. That was embarrassing.”

Sixers take young, moonwalking Jrue Holiday in first round

June 26, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

The Sixers took UCLA’s Jrue Holiday with their first and only pick in Thursday’s NBA Draft.

Holiday surprised the Sixers with his availability at the 17th pick and shocked everyone with his tribute to the late Michael Jackson by moonwalking across the stage to shake hands with NBA Commissioner David Stern.

“I found out that MJ had passed shortly after I got here, so I decided to do a little something to show my love to him,” said Holiday. “It just so happens that I wear this Billie Jean suit everywhere I go, but it definitely came in extra handy tonight.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Michael Jackson was a legend in music and in life. My hope is that his family and others that loved him can make it through this and without being affected by the negativity floating around.

The man’s music played a huge part in the soundtrack of my childhood and regardless of what he may or may not have done, his influence on billions of people over the past four decades can’t be denied.

I’ll be blasting MJ in my car for as long as I deem necessary and extend an invitation for others to follow suit.

Iguodala to Brand: Hey look, we’re just like Erving and Barkley

June 25, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala were at the Wachovia center on Wednesday to take promotional photos with the Sixers new retro uniforms as a part of a massive rebranding campaign.

The change was well received by fans and members of the Sixers organization, especially Iguodala who was fired up about being able to wear the same uniform as Julius Erving on a full-time basis.

“Hey Elton, look what I can do,” said a giddy Iguodala as he dunked a basketball in the Sixers new retro jersey and matching boxer shorts. “Did you see that? I bet I looked just like Dr. J, didn’t I?”

Though the Sixers plan to unveil the new uniforms to the public in the coming days, the new roster is still on backorder and may not arrive for the next decade or so.

Entire family sues Iguodala for looking like a bleeping dork

June 19, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

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Andre Iguodala’s entire family has filed a class action lawsuit against the Sixer forward for ever leaving his house with those silly-ass glasses.

The suit alleges the family was already tired of Andre disgracing the family name with his poor shooting, but according to one family member, “them thick-ass,  ‘where’s my stapler‘ glasses pushed the whole family past the breaking point.”

In a non-related law suit, Iguodala is also being sued by the mother of his seven-month-old child for support payments in the amount of $12,000 to $15,000 a month.

“The money we’re asking from him isn’t for me. It’s for our child,” said Iggy’s baby momma, barely keeping a straight face. “Naw, but seriously though, Iggy needs to stop wearin’ them glasses.”

Kapono already tired of being called ‘our new Korver’

June 11, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Jason Kapono has only been a 76er for two days now, but has already grown tired of being called ‘this year’s Korver’ and ‘our new white guy that mostly just shoots threes and does little else’.

Kapono and former Sixer Kyle Korver may be the same age, same height, same weight, same position, same catch-and-shoot three-point-shooting style, same first letter in their first name, same amount of NBA experience and same complexion but that’s where the similarities end.  Kapono is a two-time NBA All-Star Three-Point Shootout Contest winner, won an actual NBA title with the Heat in 2006 and is currently tied for first with Steve Kerr for the highest career three-point percentage in NBA history at .454.

“We’re overjoyed to finally get our hands on an outside shooter again,” said GM Ed Stefanski. “I just want to make it clear that the Korver comparisons are unfair, though. He’s more like the bizarro Iverson . . . not all that fast, but can shoot his ass off.”

Iguodala describes offseason film critic gig as ‘very natural and liberating’

June 4, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Andre Iguodala — or ‘Dala as he now prefers — has settled in nicely as the co-host for the popular television show Men on Film: The show that looks at movies ‘from a male point of view’.

“It was the role I was born to play,” exclaimed ‘Dala. “As much as I adore being around all those sweaty mens on the basketball court, these DJ Lance glasses and fabulous hair piece is just who I am!”

‘Dala has yet to make a decision whether he will take on the position full-time or return to the Sixers for the upcoming season.

Sixers pass on Johnson, hire Eddie ‘Facepalm’ Jordan as new head coach

May 30, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

The 76ers put an end to their coaching search on Friday by passing on the funneh tawkin’ Avery Johnson to hire Eddie Jordan, close buddy of Sixers GM ‘Special’ Ed Stefanski.

In just over five seasons with the Wizards, Jordan led his team to a very Sixers-like .467 winning-percentage, but with far better talent than the Sixers have had recently.

“I’m looking forward to a new start here in Philadelphia,” said Jordan on Saturday. “I know how pumped everyone is about the coming season, so I’ll do my best to meet their sky-high expectations.”

DiLeo politely gives two-week notice; Hunt for future ex-Sixers coach begins

May 12, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Interim head coach Tony DiLeo will not return to coach the Sixers next season and will instead return to his former position of senior vice president/assistant general manager.

Though DiLeo gave his two-week notice on Monday, everyone in the Sixers organization knows that he’s probably just going to phone it in and surf the net all day for the next two weeks.

“I made the decision not to come back because I wanted to spend more time with my family,” said DiLeo on Monday. “That assistant GM title is just front office speak for ‘chillax and watch basketball’ and will allow me the free time I need.”

The Sixers have already begun their post-Dileo-era head coach search.  Eddie Jordan, Doug Collins and — hopefully, based on potential for satire — Avery Johnson have been named as possible replacements in the early going.

Dwight Howard, Sixers watch Game 6 annihilation from hotel rooms

May 1, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

Satisfied with their seemingly comfortable Game 6 win on paper, the Sixers elected to watch the actual 114-89 flogging from their respective homes and hotel rooms.

Haphazard elbows from Dwight Howard in the previous game knocked himself (suspension) and Courtney Lee (fractured sinus) from being able to participate in last night’s game. The absence of two of Orlando’s starters gave the Sixers a commanding edge in Game 6 which they managed to turn into a debilitating handicap.

“No [Dwight] Howard, no [Courtney] Lee…and we get baked worse than we have in any game this series,” said Tony DiLeo. “I guess we actually were better off letting Howard camp out in the lane.”

Dalembert's nine solid minutes of tough on-ball defense not enough, Sixers fall

April 23, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

The 76ers secured the moral victory in Game 2 by holding Dwight Howard to only a modest 11-point, 10-rebound double-double, but took the demoralizing loss on Wednesday 96-87 to the Magic.

Andre Miller led the way with 30 points for the Sixers, who out shot the Magic from the floor, but Orlando took the edge on the free throw line making 22 shots to Philly’s 12.

Samuel Dalembert and Theo Ratliff combined for nine fouls and a hard-earned five points. Dalembert now has eight fouls and nine points in just over 26 minutes of play in the two playoffs games.

“I’m guarding Dwight-freakin’-Howard and the refs are calling everything on me,” said Dalembert. “My flying D-Bear roundhouse foot-punch isn’t actually a foul…or at least it shouldn’t be. It’s the only chance anyone has at stopping guys like Howard and Chris Paul.”

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