DeSean Jackson now doing everything in sixty-yard bursts
Updated: December 14, 2009

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DeSean JacksonHaving tied the NFL record for fifty-plus yard touchdowns in a season after adding two more long touchdowns yesterday, DeSean Jackson has begun to take the whole ‘big-play’ thing to extremes, and is compulsively doing everything in sixty yard bursts.

“Did you see my explosiveness from the car to the team facility?” asked Jackson, beaming with pride. “I covered some ground in a hurry. And I went past the security guard like he was standing still. Well, he was, but I went by him really fast.”

Other typically mundane tasks Jackson has been rumored to be turning into a ‘big play’ include getting dressed, shopping, shoveling his driveway and getting the mail.

“I haven’t perfected the big play in public yet,” said Jackson, “but I’ll get there. Last time I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things, I knocked over an entire display of cereal boxes to avoid a little old lady. I’m not opposed to running over a kicker if I have to, but a little old lady is where I draw the line.”

Jackson’s teammates appreciate his propensity for the big play on the field, but think his recent off the field antics have been a bit much.

“If he wants to score on a seventy-yard punt return and dance into the end zone against the Giants, I’m all for it,” said Donovan McNabb. “But when he gets up to use the restroom during film, and weaves in and out of the desks and jumps over empty chairs it’s kind of disruptive.”

Andy is a contributor to and the editor and sole writer for the sports satire and parody blog Real Fake Sports.

3 Responses to “DeSean Jackson now doing everything in sixty-yard bursts”

  1. Nick on December 14th, 2009 7:19 pm

    Not related to the article, but I’m looking forward to a hilarious article about Roy Halladay…

  2. Diz on December 15th, 2009 6:09 pm

    Funny stuff, as always. Keep it up!

  3. Andy Reid on December 16th, 2009 11:29 am

    I have asked DeSean to quit trying to chest bump me after big plays. I am not in favor of anything that requires physical effort on my part.

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