If you can’t break the schneid, swallow your freaking pride

July 1, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Jimmy Rollins returned from his four-game sabbatical to go 0-for-5 with two strikeouts from the leadoff spot in the Phillies 5-4 loss to the Braves on Tuesday.

While Rollins continues to flop like no other when he bats leadoff, he turns into a roided-up Barry Bonds (redundant?) when batting elsewhere. He is 9-for-22 (.409 AVG) with three home runs, two walks and zero strikeouts when he bats anywhere else in the lineup this season. He is a .191 hitter in 282 at bats when in the leadoff spot.

“I’m a leadoff hitter, plain and simple,” said Rollins, who was probably one of those ‘square peg in the round hole’ kids growing up. “Pulling me from the leadoff spot would be like telling Will Ferrell to stop acting or Andre Iguodala to stop shooting threes. It’s just not gonna happen.”

Rollins will once again try to make that tiny leadoff glove fit as the Phillies take on the Braves tonight at 7:10pm ET.

Iguodala to Brand: Hey look, we’re just like Erving and Barkley

June 25, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala were at the Wachovia center on Wednesday to take promotional photos with the Sixers new retro uniforms as a part of a massive rebranding campaign.

The change was well received by fans and members of the Sixers organization, especially Iguodala who was fired up about being able to wear the same uniform as Julius Erving on a full-time basis.

“Hey Elton, look what I can do,” said a giddy Iguodala as he dunked a basketball in the Sixers new retro jersey and matching boxer shorts. “Did you see that? I bet I looked just like Dr. J, didn’t I?”

Though the Sixers plan to unveil the new uniforms to the public in the coming days, the new roster is still on backorder and may not arrive for the next decade or so.

Entire family sues Iguodala for looking like a bleeping dork

June 19, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

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Andre Iguodala’s entire family has filed a class action lawsuit against the Sixer forward for ever leaving his house with those silly-ass glasses.

The suit alleges the family was already tired of Andre disgracing the family name with his poor shooting, but according to one family member, “them thick-ass,  ‘where’s my stapler‘ glasses pushed the whole family past the breaking point.”

In a non-related law suit, Iguodala is also being sued by the mother of his seven-month-old child for support payments in the amount of $12,000 to $15,000 a month.

“The money we’re asking from him isn’t for me. It’s for our child,” said Iggy’s baby momma, barely keeping a straight face. “Naw, but seriously though, Iggy needs to stop wearin’ them glasses.”

Iguodala describes offseason film critic gig as ‘very natural and liberating’

June 4, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Sixers

Andre Iguodala — or ‘Dala as he now prefers — has settled in nicely as the co-host for the popular television show Men on Film: The show that looks at movies ‘from a male point of view’.

“It was the role I was born to play,” exclaimed ‘Dala. “As much as I adore being around all those sweaty mens on the basketball court, these DJ Lance glasses and fabulous hair piece is just who I am!”

‘Dala has yet to make a decision whether he will take on the position full-time or return to the Sixers for the upcoming season.

Slumping Sixers lose fifth straight game, set stage for riveting NBA title run

April 13, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

The 76ers fell to the Raptors 111-104 giving them five straight losses just in time to face the defending champion Celtics on Tuesday and the top-seeded Cavaliers on Wednesday. Tonight’s loss leaves the Sixers record at 40-40 entering the final two games and the odds are zero to none that the team will win another game this season, including the playoffs.

Despite the horrid end to the season and absence of anything resembling team chemistry on the court, the Sixers seem poised to make a run at the NBA title with a combination of their fast break offense, injured players and porous defense.

Andre Iguodala picked up the coveted  21-points and 10-turnover double-double in Sunday’s loss and will likely be a major factor in any success the team may see in the postseason.

“I’m really gonna have to step it up if we’re gonna go anywhere in these playoffs,” said Iguodala. “I can’t have games like I did tonight where I was two assists away from a triple-dub and didn’t pick them up. I blame myself.”

Iguodala, Sixers take advantage of Lakers' absence from game

March 18, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

Andre Iguodala hit the game-winning three-point shot all up in the face of Lakers guard Trevor Ariza to give the Sixers a 94-93 win over the second-best team in the sport on Tuesday. The Sixers overcame a 14-point deficit in the fourth quarter due in part by Donyell Marshall and Iguodala’s three-point shooting, but mostly due to 50 or so Laker turnovers and their general disinterest in dribbling, defending and shooting the basketball in the final quarter.

“I was somewhere else tonight, but it definitely wasn’t on the court,” said Kobe Bryant, who managed only 11 points to go with five turnovers. “Somewhere in the second quarter, it just hit me that I actually had Arizona making it to the Final Four as a 12th seed in the only bracket I filled out. What the [expletive] was I thinking, dog?”

Iguodala and the Sixers will look to win their fifth straight game when they face the Phoenix Suns on Wednesday.

Iguodala's single-double can't stop Hornets

January 27, 2009 by  
Filed under Sixers

Chris Paul dumped 27 points, 15 assists and 10 rebounds on the 76ers for his league-leading fifth triple-double of the season as the Hornets offed the Sixers 101-86. Though Paul also came away with a game-high seven steals, the Sixers were more concerned about how quickly their manhood disappeared after each of his circus shots and passes.

“He was making us look like little [expletives] out there, for real,” said 76ers center Samuel Dalembert. “You saw me try and kick him in the nuts out there….and this little koala bear-lookin’ dude still made the shot.”

Hornets forward Peja Stojakovic added to the embarassment by hitting six three-pointers on a night when the Sixers hit only two as a team.

“Ya’ll can keep chirpin’ in my ear with all that mess about us needing to hit more threes, but that’s not what we do here,” said Sixers guard Andre Miller. “Layups win games. Not free throw shooting or all that three point nonsense…it’s layups. We hit layups in Philly. When you think we’re gonna hit you with the big three, we switch it up on you and stuff that layup down your throat. Layups man…lay…ups.”

The Sixers will head to Houston to face the Rockets on Wednesday.

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