Scientists develop alternative fuel using tears from Mets fans

May 3, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

A group of local scientists have developed a new technology that would finally be able to convert one of the world’s most abundant natural resources into an alternative fuel.

The new technology will take the delicious tears from New York Mets fans and turn them into a clean burning fuel source that can “power a car for a few months out of the year before causing the car to collapse on itself,” according to researchers.

“We’re elated to be able to finally be able to put all of these tears to good use,” said Denise Wixted, who worked on the project for the past five years. “Mets fans can now say they’re able to contribute something to society by crying our world into a healthier place to live.”

Following Johan Santana’s epic meltdown on national television, scientists were able to power the Mets’ team plane on its flight out of Philadelphia with the tears of a single Mets fan.

Mets’ Santana to test arm against lifeless batters

March 5, 2010 by Billy  
Filed under Headlines, National

After facing live batters for the first time since having season-ending elbow surgery last year, Johan Santana is scheduled to throw lifeless batters over the weekend.

Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday afternoon.  Of his progress, Santana seemed pleased. “It felt great to throw to animate objects.  I’m not sure where we found actual hitters, but credit the organization for the creative recovery idea.”

The lifeless hitters, however, should present an entirely different challenge for Santana.  “I had assumed when they said ‘lifeless batters’ that it was a jab at David Wright for his lack of power, but apparently, they have me throwing to actual dead guys.”

Mets’ General Manager Omar Minaya has insisted this is the crucial step to get Santana game ready.  “We are pleased with Johan today, but he still has a long way to go.  We want to take it slowly, so he likely won’t face any good lifeless batters over the weekend.  Is Gregg Jefferies alive?”

“Depending on the reactions of the deceased, Johan could be ready for opening day.”

Mets sign Jason Bay, still completely irrelevant

December 30, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Analysis & Opinions

It looks like Jason Bay really loves that paper after signing with a disaster of an organization that plays in a stadium the size of Central Park. His power numbers will fall and his chances of a World Series will tank even further.

Bay and his 4-year $66 million contract will join David Wright and his 10 home runs from last season as the only two batters that remotely resemble a threat in the Mess’ order. Most people can’t even name one Cincinnati Reds player and yet they managed to score more runs than the Mets and their overpriced talent last season.

Wright led the Mess with 72 RBI last season, which would rank below Jimmy Rollins (77), who kept the bat on his shoulder and occasionally used it to pop the ball into the air for five out of six months last season. On the up-side, Wright did finish with more RBI than Shane Victorino (62), Carlos Ruiz (43) and Eric Bruntlett (7).

Though the pickup of Kelvim Escobar was a step in the right direction — a move I wish the Phils could have made — no one should even consider the Mets a contender for the #4 spot in the NL East until they get someone else to throw besides John Maine and a slew of head cases.

Signing Bay is a cosmetic move that might make the Mets look like they’re trying to be presentable in public, but most of us know what lies beneath. And it’s hot and fugly under there.

Blanton to become next shameless, product-hocking Phillie

July 6, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

After being swept by the Blue Jays, Orioles and Braves over the past few weeks, the Phillies finally played to their potential against David Wright, Johan Santana and a medley of boobs to earn a three-game sweep.

With all of the recent sweepage going on, Proctor and Gamble took the opportunity to sign Joe Blanton as their new Swiffer pitch man. Blanton will follow Cole Hamels, Ryan Howard and Cole Hamels again (in that awkward ESPN the Magazine commercial I can’t find a clip for) as the latest Phillie to simultaneously peddle a product and embarrass his team and fans when his commercial debuts sometime soon.

Victorino powers Phils back to first place in rare start-from-ahead win

May 6, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Phillies

Shane Victorino fell a triple short of the cycle and extended his hitting streak to 14 games in just the third start-from-ahead Phillies win this season. The win over the Cardinals propelled the Phils a half game ahead of the Marlins to take over first place in the NL East.

Victorino was 4-for-5 for the night and hit a start-ahead solo home run in the first inning. He finished with three runs scored, knocked in three more and made a death-defying catch with the bases loaded saving at least 11 runs … and possibly the world.

“I just try to be the best I can out there,” Victorino said. “I don’t go out there trying to save the game or the world from near destruction … it just sort of happens.”

The Phils are set to start a two-game set against the Mets, who have yet to be confirmed as a “team to beat” due to their losing record and the simple fact that they’re just not — and will never be — the Philadelphia WFC Phillies.

Chan Ho Park will try and end his streak of quality Eatons (n. - giving up so many runs that you force your entire team to work twice as hard to make up for your lack of pitching ability) as he faces Johan Santana on Wednesday.