Eagles won’t go after Burress; suitors likely the usual Cowboys, Bengals

April 5, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles

A source close to the Eagles told PhillyGameday.com that the team will not pursue recently released wide receiver Plaxico Burress. In fact, the only two teams that haven’t violently rejected the notion of signing the troubled wideout are the NFL’s resident ‘Special Ed’ teams, the Cowboys and Bengals.

Burress is currently awaiting trial for shooting himself in the leg four months ago in a New York City Nightclub. The court case was recently adjourned while everyone decides whether to throw him in the stocks or just hand him the “Most Outrageous Way to End Your Promising Football Career and Screw Yourself Out of Millions’ award and be done with it — though, it may be Michael Vick’s trophy to lose.

The Eagles still remain interested in acquiring either Braylon Edwards or Anquan Boldin, but Burress was officially dropped from consideration after about six whole seconds of thought by head coach Andy Reid.

“I gave it some thought…I really did,” said Reid, referring to signing the former Super Bowl hero. “It was a tough one, but it didn’t take nearly as long as the eight seconds I actually thought about checking in with the treadmill now and then. Both might help the team out in the long-run…but right now, I just don’t see either goin’ down.”

Officer's incredibly small pecker had surprisingly large role in Moats incident

March 30, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under National

An investigation into a March 18 incident involving a Dallas police officer and ex-Eagle Ryan Moats has led the Dallas Police Department to believe the embarrassingly small size of the officer in question’s genitals played a heavy role that night.

Moats and his wife were en route to the hospital to be with the wife’s dying mother when they were stopped in the hospital parking lot by Officer Phuhk Phace who thought it might be a good time to harass someone — while their mother lay minutes away from death — about proceeding through a red light with their caution lights on after checking both ways for traffic in the middle of the night.

“I told the officer that my mom was in there dying about 50 times,” said Moats. “But he kept going on and on crying about how little his dick was and how he tried to overcompensate by becoming a cop so he could finally get the respect he knew he didn’t deserve.”

New allegations have also surfaced by the wife of Cowboys linebacker Zach Thomas that Officer Phace handcuffed and jailed her for three hours after making an illegal U-turn in July 2008.

Officer Phace has been placed on administrative leave and will return once his manhood is large enough to handle protecting and serving the public without all of the expert-level douchebaggery.

T.O. signs with Bills after considering offers from 'like, a bunch of teams'

March 7, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under National

Terrell Owens has selected the Buffalo Bills as the team he will play for in 2009. According to the six-time Pro Bowler and perennial locker room distraction, countless teams had been “banging down the door with contract offers” in the recent days following his release from the Cowboys.

“Everybody thinks because of my past that no one would want me,” said Owens at his Buffalo Bills press conference. “I had like a billion teams that wanted me to play for them, but I chose the Bills because it was the best fit for me, and not because it was my only option besides the Raiders. If you think that I was considering signing with the Raiders for the past couple of days and then the Bills called and I was like ‘holy balls, I had no idea a halfway decent team actually wanted to sign me…hell yeah I’ll take that deal’, then you’re crazy…because that’s not what happened at all.”

The one-year $6.5 million deal with the Bills will give Owens an opportunity to prove that he’s still capable of performing at an elite level at the age of 35 and that he’s able to walk into an NFL locker room without the drama of a pre-teen obsessed with The Hills or something.

Romo promises 'whole-assed' effort in 2009

January 23, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under National

After three years of phoning it in late in the season, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo has vowed to give what he calls a “whole-assed effort” next season. The news comes after a devastating 44-6 loss to the Eagles on December 28 that ended the Cowboys’ season and the recent criticism from former Cowboys Quarterback Troy Aikman about Romo’s focus and perception.

“When you continue to stink as bad as we have down the stretch, at some point you have to re-evaluate the way you conduct business,” Romo said in a telephone interview Wednesday night. “It’s hard to figure out what the problems are sometimes, but I was walking in the mall the other day and this little 4-year-old kid kicked me in my junk and said ‘Hey Romo, quit half-assin it out there.’ So I thought to myself, ‘you know what…that kid might be right’.”