Cards had no intention of trading Boldin, just wanted the attention

May 16, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

According to the obvious behavior by the Arizona Cardinals, the team had zero intention of trading star wide receiver Anquan Boldin this whole time and instead just wanted to milk their 15 minutes of fame before they inevitably sink back into the NFL’s cesspool.

Early reports indicated that the Eagles had offered Sheldon Brown and a third round pick for Boldin on draft weekend, though now it appears the Eagles could have offered every first round pick for the next 20 years and the entire lineup from and they still wouldn’t have let Boldin go.

“You have no idea what it’s like being the league’s doormat,” said Cardinals GM Rod Graves. “We finally got a taste of the big time and we’ll go down kicking and screaming before we give that up. It was just so nice to be mentioned in actual real life news for once instead of YouTube clips or not being recognized at all. Please don’t make us go back there!”

Cardinals deny hiring outside help to try and unload Boldin before draft

April 24, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under National

Early reports from ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio indicated that the Cardinals were willing to lower their asking price for star receiver Anquan Boldin. Rumors elsewhere suggested that the Cardinals had hired an outside agent to try and unload the wideout before Saturday’s NFL Draft.

It now appears as if each of the reports were fabricated — or at least one of them — as the Cardinals have denied any change in their stance on trading Boldin.

“We are still open to trading Anquan, but this stuff about hiring Sleazy Pete to unload him for us is nonsense,” said Cardinals GM Rod Graves. “If Pete is trying to push Anquan for us, we definitely didn’t put him up to it. But…umm…he didn’t happen to mention anything about actually being able to dump him…did he?”

Lurie's order for bacon pizza mistakenly turns into blockbuster trade for Jason Peters

April 18, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles

In a move that shocked the entire city of Philadelphia and the president of the organization, the Eagles unintentionally pulled off a blockbuster deal for Pro Bowl offensive tackle Jason Peters on Friday.

Eagles General Manager Tom Heckert explained Saturday how the move only came about due to a misunderstanding between he and Lurie.

“I walked by his office on Friday and could have sworn I heard him say to his assistant ‘I’m tired of this same old crap…go get me Jason Peters’,” said Heckert. “He’s one of those guys that says pizza like ‘peetzer’, which really threw me off.”

The Eagles have recently been ridiculed by the media and two-bit websites for their relative inactivity given their resources this offseason. The accidental trade and subsequent signing of the 340-pound lineman may now give the Eagles a reason to continue upgrading the team.

“I can’t believe they went out and got that guy when they knew I had no intention of spending another penny this offseason,” said Lurie. “I guess we have no choice now…we might as well just blow the whole wad and go after [Anquan] Boldin while we’re at it.”

Boldin to Eagles talks stall after revelation that the WR may actually improve team

April 16, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles

The Arizona Cardinals announced Wednesday that they are willing to listen to trade offers for their Pro Bowl wide receiver Anquan Boldin. The Eagles were rumored to be interested in Boldin, but the team’s interest may be dying because of the wideout’s hefty price tag and the unfortunate, yet inevitable rise in the standings they may experience as a result of acquiring him.

“The Eagles are a business…and it wouldn’t make sense for us to put a better team on the field when we’re selling out every game,” said Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. “It’s sickening to think about throwing away money on a guy like Boldin just to win a Super Bowl…yeah…see…I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

The division rival New York Giants are another team interested in Boldin’s services to fill the void left by the release of Plaxico Burress earlier this month. Several media outlets also have the Giants close to acquiring Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards.

“With the Redskins going out and getting [Albert] Haynesworth, the Cowboys improving their team ten-fold by dropping [Terrell] Owens and if the Giants pull off a trade for one of these wide receivers, we might be in trouble in our division,” said Brian Westbrook. “I know that letting Dawk, Tra and Runyan go, stocking up on 12 draft picks and maintaining all that cap space is all a part of the plan, though. That means they’re just setting up to make a big move here at some point…right?”

Eagles show interest in non-controversial wide receiver just to mess with everybody

April 10, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles

The Eagles are looking into somehow acquiring Greg Jennings from the Packers in response to the Birds’ association with every headline grabbing, malcontent wide receiver in the country from Anquan Boldin and Braylon Edwards to Plaxico Burress and now the Bengals’ Chad Ocho Cinco.

ESPN’s Michael Smith reported this week that the Bengals may try to move Ocho Cinco since not one person left in the city can take someone seriously that legally changed his name to the wrong way to say “eighty-five” in Spanish.

The Eagles have surfaced as a possible destination for yet another one of the NFL’s attention whores due to Eight Five’s close relationship with Donovan McNabb, the amount of cap room the Eagles are hoarding like coins in Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin and the availability of their first round draft picks. However, the Greg Jennings rumors may put an end to any chance of seeing Eight Five in green this season.

“We are intrigued by what Jennings could bring to the table for us,” Andy Reid said. “He’s more of the wide receiver you want to bring home to mother…not the one you want to choke the life out of. It would definitely be a very refreshing change for us.”

Eagles won’t go after Burress; suitors likely the usual Cowboys, Bengals

April 5, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles

A source close to the Eagles told that the team will not pursue recently released wide receiver Plaxico Burress. In fact, the only two teams that haven’t violently rejected the notion of signing the troubled wideout are the NFL’s resident ‘Special Ed’ teams, the Cowboys and Bengals.

Burress is currently awaiting trial for shooting himself in the leg four months ago in a New York City Nightclub. The court case was recently adjourned while everyone decides whether to throw him in the stocks or just hand him the “Most Outrageous Way to End Your Promising Football Career and Screw Yourself Out of Millions’ award and be done with it — though, it may be Michael Vick’s trophy to lose.

The Eagles still remain interested in acquiring either Braylon Edwards or Anquan Boldin, but Burress was officially dropped from consideration after about six whole seconds of thought by head coach Andy Reid.

“I gave it some thought…I really did,” said Reid, referring to signing the former Super Bowl hero. “It was a tough one, but it didn’t take nearly as long as the eight seconds I actually thought about checking in with the treadmill now and then. Both might help the team out in the long-run…but right now, I just don’t see either goin’ down.”