Eagles to police: Vick ‘of no interest’ to us either

June 30, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

While investigating a shooting that took place outside a Virginia Beach nightclub that had been hosting a birthday party for Michael Vick, police informed the Eagles on Wednesday that the former Pro Bowler “doesn’t interest us anymore as a football player.”

The Eagles responded by saying that “yeah, I kind of know what you mean” and “he doesn’t interest us either, but what other choice do we have right now,” according to one team spokesman.

The Eagles informed police that while they may have had some interest in Vick several months ago when they were trying to sell merchandise and stay relevant in the news, their current interest in the former Pro Bowler has officially bottomed out. The team also repeatedly asked police if they were sure Vick wasn’t involved in the shooting because, according to team owner Jeffrey Lurie, “that would really help us out in trying to get rid of him.”

Eagles ask Westbrook to go halfsies on medical bills

March 3, 2010 by Andy  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

One week after releasing two-time Pro Bowl runningback Brian Westbrook without so much as a phone call from team President Joe Banner or owner Jeffrey Lurie, the Eagles requested that Westbrook also go halfsies on his remaining medical bills.

“What’s fair is fair,” Lurie said on Wednesday. “We paid him to play football, not get hurt and go to continual doctors visits, chiropractic appointments, physical therapy, you name it. I don’t know what he expected, but these bills aren’t going to pay themselves.”

The Eagles say a large balance remains on several bills stemming from a concussion suffered by Westbrook  last season. According to the team, Westbrook should be happy they are only asking for fifty percent.

“Brian needs to understand most employers don’t pay a cent towards an employee’s medical bills other than what they contribute to insurance coverage,” Lurie continued. “So, technically, we’re already doing him a huge favor by paying half.”

Vick fumbles microphone twice in painful regular season debut

September 10, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

Michael Vick may want to hit the reset button after a very disappointing outing against Nueva Esperanza Academy in his regular season debut on Tuesday.

Vick, facing an onslaught of impressionable youth, appeared nervous as he fumbled his microphone twice and could only effectively answer 14 of 27 questions on the day.

“Mr. [Jeffrey] Lurie said my football career depends on how I do at these appearances,” said Vick. “I wasn’t happy with the way I performed out there, but I’m looking forward to rebounding against the The Caring Center next week and hopefully, I’ll be at 100% by the time I face Children’s Village in Week 6.”

Vick will travel with the Eagles to Charlotte as they take on the Panthers this Sunday, but will not be permitted on the sidelines with his team. He will instead watch the game from a protective “Vick bubble” in an undisclosed location to keep him away from the three remaining anti-Vick protesters.

Eagles to sponsor degenerate gambler with three-year deal

August 18, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles, Headlines

In their continued effort to open their arms to deadbeats in need of a second chance, the Eagles will sponsor Dave Pekula’s rehabilitation from severe gambling addiction with a three-year $7.3 million deal.

Pekula, who hasn’t played an NFL down in ever, once lost his mother’s home and now walks with the aid of two prosthetic legs as a result of his out-of-control gambling habits.

Owner Jeffrey Lurie has stressed that where and how Pekula plays isn’t as important as getting him healthy again.

“Dave has been in a bad spot for a couple years now, but wants to turn his life around,” said Lurie as he introduced the Villanova product to the media on Tuesday. “Whether he becomes a good football player having never played so much as a pee-wee game is possible, but more importantly for Dave and for the National Football League, he has the opportunity to be a valuable member of society and that’s the goal here.”

Lurie's order for bacon pizza mistakenly turns into blockbuster trade for Jason Peters

April 18, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Eagles

In a move that shocked the entire city of Philadelphia and the president of the organization, the Eagles unintentionally pulled off a blockbuster deal for Pro Bowl offensive tackle Jason Peters on Friday.

Eagles General Manager Tom Heckert explained Saturday how the move only came about due to a misunderstanding between he and Lurie.

“I walked by his office on Friday and could have sworn I heard him say to his assistant ‘I’m tired of this same old crap…go get me Jason Peters’,” said Heckert. “He’s one of those guys that says pizza like ‘peetzer’, which really threw me off.”

The Eagles have recently been ridiculed by the media and two-bit websites for their relative inactivity given their resources this offseason. The accidental trade and subsequent signing of the 340-pound lineman may now give the Eagles a reason to continue upgrading the team.

“I can’t believe they went out and got that guy when they knew I had no intention of spending another penny this offseason,” said Lurie. “I guess we have no choice now…we might as well just blow the whole wad and go after [Anquan] Boldin while we’re at it.”