Scientists develop alternative fuel using tears from Mets fans

May 3, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

A group of local scientists have developed a new technology that would finally be able to convert one of the world’s most abundant natural resources into an alternative fuel.

The new technology will take the delicious tears from New York Mets fans and turn them into a clean burning fuel source that can “power a car for a few months out of the year before causing the car to collapse on itself,” according to researchers.

“We’re elated to be able to finally be able to put all of these tears to good use,” said Denise Wixted, who worked on the project for the past five years. “Mets fans can now say they’re able to contribute something to society by crying our world into a healthier place to live.”

Following Johan Santana’s epic meltdown on national television, scientists were able to power the Mets’ team plane on its flight out of Philadelphia with the tears of a single Mets fan.

Mets’ Santana to test arm against lifeless batters

March 5, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

After facing live batters for the first time since having season-ending elbow surgery last year, Johan Santana is scheduled to throw lifeless batters over the weekend.

Santana threw 40 pitches, including his signature slider, to living, breathing humans in front of much of the Mets’ brass Thursday afternoon.  Of his progress, Santana seemed pleased. “It felt great to throw to animate objects.  I’m not sure where we found actual hitters, but credit the organization for the creative recovery idea.”

The lifeless hitters, however, should present an entirely different challenge for Santana.  “I had assumed when they said ‘lifeless batters’ that it was a jab at David Wright for his lack of power, but apparently, they have me throwing to actual dead guys.”

Mets’ General Manager Omar Minaya has insisted this is the crucial step to get Santana game ready.  “We are pleased with Johan today, but he still has a long way to go.  We want to take it slowly, so he likely won’t face any good lifeless batters over the weekend.  Is Gregg Jefferies alive?”

“Depending on the reactions of the deceased, Johan could be ready for opening day.”

Richard Simmons looks to help injury-plagued Mets fill holes

January 14, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, National

The New York Mets officially announced that fitness guru Richard Simmons will be joining the team this spring to try and fill several gaping holes on the Mets roster and encourage healthier living.

“I’m so excited to be here! Like, really excited!” Simmons exclaimed during a Thursday press conference. “I walked into Citi Field today and immediately felt like I was born to be here. Like this is my home.”

Simmons gives the Mets a healthy, able-bodied mammal that the team has sorely needed for the past year or so. The 61-year-old Simmons also hopes his enthusiasm for fitness rubs off on his new teammates.

“I’ve helped so many wonderful people achieve their dreams over the years,” Simmons added. “Now it’s time to transform these men into the gorgeous swans they were meant to be.”

Mets sign Jason Bay, still completely irrelevant

December 30, 2009 by  
Filed under Analysis & Opinions

It looks like Jason Bay really loves that paper after signing with a disaster of an organization that plays in a stadium the size of Central Park. His power numbers will fall and his chances of a World Series will tank even further.

Bay and his 4-year $66 million contract will join David Wright and his 10 home runs from last season as the only two batters that remotely resemble a threat in the Mess’ order. Most people can’t even name one Cincinnati Reds player and yet they managed to score more runs than the Mets and their overpriced talent last season.

Wright led the Mess with 72 RBI last season, which would rank below Jimmy Rollins (77), who kept the bat on his shoulder and occasionally used it to pop the ball into the air for five out of six months last season. On the up-side, Wright did finish with more RBI than Shane Victorino (62), Carlos Ruiz (43) and Eric Bruntlett (7).

Though the pickup of Kelvim Escobar was a step in the right direction — a move I wish the Phils could have made — no one should even consider the Mets a contender for the #4 spot in the NL East until they get someone else to throw besides John Maine and a slew of head cases.

Signing Bay is a cosmetic move that might make the Mets look like they’re trying to be presentable in public, but most of us know what lies beneath. And it’s hot and fugly under there.

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