Carlos Ruiz reluctantly agrees to hair extension

January 26, 2010 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Though it looked like Carlos Ruiz and the Phillies were ready to end negotiations, the two sides were finally able to come to terms on a new hair extension.

“It looked like we weren’t going to get anything done for a while there,” Ruiz said on Tuesday. “I was asking for an actual contract extension, but they wanted me to work for free. So, we met in the middle, and now I look like a douche.”

The extension should last about three years and includes a 2013 club option to pay Ruiz actual money — $5 million — but the Phillies will probably find a way to waste that cash on Jamie Moyer.

Phils end 126-year drought, win 2009 Trade Deadline

July 30, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The Philadelphia Phillies are winners of the 2009 Trade Deadline for the first time in franchise history. The Phils clenched the title with the surprise acquisition of Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco in exchange for dinner scraps, pocket lint, $14 in Monopoly money and Carlos Carrasco.

The Phillies effort in trading for Joe Blanton last season came up short as the Dodgers ultimately came away with the title by trading for Manny Ramirez and his defective lady bits.

Historically, the Phils have helped other teams secure Trading Deadline titles by dealing players like Curt Schilling (to the Diamondbacks) and Scott Rolen (to the Cardinals). Between the two deals, the Phils netted what amounted to a large bushel of pubes while the Diamondbacks and Cardinals both won World Series shortly after each respective deal.

Special red carpet finally allows Manny to ditch spikes

July 13, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under National

Manny Ramirez’s dream of finally being able to play baseball in his tube socks has become a reality now that MLB’s drug policy has encouraged red carpet treatment for outed steroid users.

Ramirez was cheered on by fans during his minor league ‘rehab assignment’ upon return from his 50-game suspension. When he finally re-joined the Dodgers, Fox took it upon themselves to interrupt their broadcast of the Phillies and Mets to showcase each of Ramirez’s at bats against the Padres. Then there’s the Steve Phillips incident where the failed Mets GM-turned-failed-analyst gushed over how big Ramirez was during a workout session.

MLB eventually approved the red carpet for Ramirez to show their gratitude for enduring the 50-game suspension and setting the example for why it doesn’t pay to take steroids, make a ton of money, get caught, get cheered on by fans you never knew existed, play for a couple more years and retire on a beach somewhere.

Championship-starved LA fans release seven years of frustration

June 15, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

The Lakers’ victory over the Orlando Magic ended a seven-year championship drought that has dogged the city of Los Angeles since the Lakers won their third straight NBA title way back in 2002.

Fans took to the streets to release their years of pent-up frustration by trashing police cars, stomping on defenseless Toyota Corollas and looting nearby stores.

The LAPD was surprisingly cooperative throughout the night with early reports indicating that only 18 hoods were arrested despite widespread damage and looting.

“A lot of these guys were in high school last time the Lakers won a championship,” said one LA officer. “Unfortunately, most of them never left.”

Milwaukee’s vendetta against All-Star game leaves Ibanez sixth in outfield voting

May 27, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Major League Baseball’s All-Star game apparently slept with the Milwaukee’s wife or killed its first born because the city continues to piss on what used to be a proud fixture of Americana.

Bud Selig, baseball’s commissioner and former owner of the Brewers, signed his own declaration of war against the Midsummer Classic by enacting the “homefield advantage” rule in 2003.

Brewers fans have now picked up where Selig left off by voting for several of their undeserving players in this year’s contest. Bill Hall is currently hitting .223 with four homers and 11 RBIs and sits in second place, well ahead of Chipper Jones, Ryan Zimmerman and Aramis Ramirez at third base.

J.J. Hardy is hitting .247 with five homers and 23 RBIs and leads all NL shortstops in voting, ahead of Hanley Ramirez, Jimmy Rollins and Jose Reyes.

Best of all, Jason Kendall’s .206 average and zero homers were sufficient enough to earn him second place among NL catchers, ahead of Russell Martin, Ivan Rodriguez and Brian McCann.

Raul Ibanez, easily the most productive hitter in all of baseball, trails five other men in NL outfield voting, including suspended male-impersonator Manny Ramirez and Brewers outfielder Mike Cameron.

Baseball fans outside of Milwaukee are now permitted to cast their vote for deserving players, like Ibanez, and are encouraged to vote up to 25 times per email address.

Controversy bound to hover over Moyer's pursuit of all-time home run record

May 26, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Jamie Moyer lost another bid for his 250th career win in Monday’s 5-3 loss to the Marlins, but inched closer to becoming baseball’s all-time home run [given up] leader.

The fourth-inning jack by Wes Helms gave Moyer 477 for his career, 28 behind Phillies great Robin Roberts’ 505 for the all-time record, which could fall later this season.

“If Moyer gets to 506, baseball purists may put an asterisk by his name in the record books,” said ESPN’s Buster Olney. “There’s no doubt that his totals were inflated by steroid use, even if Moyer wasn’t the one actually taking them.”

Moyer has surrendered a slew of home runs to outed and suspected steroid users over the years including Manny Ramirez (10), Alex Rodriguez (6), Barry Bonds (5), Rafael Palmeiro (5), Brady Anderson (5), Juan Gonzalez (4) and Lenny Dykstra (1).

Meanwhile, Roberts was lit up by a far more respectable bunch, including Duke Snider (19), Hank Aaron (9),  Jackie Robinson (9) and the ever-dangerous Wally Moon (9).

“I can’t help that every record nowadays has steroids attached to it,” said Moyer. “Did a lot of my home runs come from the bats of known steroid users? Yes. Could I allow 500 home runs without them? Probably.”

Manny’s ovarian issues highlight growing problem in MLB

May 7, 2009 by Zaki  
Filed under Headlines, National

Manny Ramirez will be suspended for 50 games after using a women’s fertility drug prescribed by his doctor. The Dodgers outfielder has apparently struggled alongside countless other women in this country with pregnancy issues, which places Ramirez on the growing list of major league players now known to have lady bits.

Ramirez has repeatedly denied use of any performance enhancing drugs, but will not appeal the suspension and subsequent loss of $7.7 million in salary “out of respect to the system, and let’s be real here … I was gonna hang it up for at least 50 games this season anyway, so it kinda works out,” according to Ramirez.

Alex Rodriguez was also recently caught with his vag showing by denying steroid use on national television in 2007 and admitting to steroid use on national television two years later this past February.

Rodriguez and Ramirez are only part of a larger, growing list of high-profile athletes that have traded in their jocks for tampons, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. Each player was once thought to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, but will now be denied entrance by baseball writers due to their lack of any semblance of male reproductive organs.

“These guys masqueraded around for years like they were in the same boat as greats like Mays, Aaron and Ted Williams, but one by one we’re finding out the truth about these frauds,” said LA Times writer Bill Plaschke. “It’s not so much the fact that they have snatches that really bothers me about it … just the fact that they lied about it this whole time, you know what I mean?”

Albert Pujols is expected to be named to the list in the coming days or years, at which time Major League Baseball will officially be forced to erase 96.2% of its record book from 1994 to 2007.