Phillies casually leave Raul Ibanez behind in Seattle

June 20, 2011 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Following a 2-0 loss to the Mariners, the Phillies casually left Seattle on Monday without telling left fielder Raul Ibanez, hoping no one would notice for a while.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” manager Charlie Manuel said of giving Ibanez the wrong departure time and canceling his morning wakeup call. “I’ve never heard of that guy before in my life. I think you’ve got me mixed up with some other guy. But, I hope you find out what happened to this Ibanez fella, though. He sounds like he used to be a pretty good ballplayer.”

Manuel was later asked whether he had heard from either Jimmy Rollins, Placido Polanco, Ryan Howard, Carlos Ruiz or Ben Francisco, who also went missing after Sunday’s loss and were not on the flight to St. Louis for Tuesday’s series opener against the Cardinals.

“Nope. Sorry, not ringing a bell,” Manuel said. “I feel bad for whoever this manager is that keeps losing his players like this though. I hope he gets them back at some point.”

Raul Ibanez caught using performance-enhancing Nationals

May 5, 2011 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Phillies outfielder Raul Ibanez admitted Friday to using “a number of different” performance-enhancing Nationals over the past three days in an effort to snap out of his recent 0-35 slump.

Ibanez went 8-for-12 in this past series with two home runs and five RBI and the rumors started to fly about whether the 38-year-old’s sudden boost in production was related to PEN use.

“I just want to apologize to my teammates and my family for foolishly trying to use performance-enhancing Nats just to inflate my stats,” said Ibanez, who attributes his recent power surge to a PEN called Lannan and another named Marquis. “I wanted to prove that I could still play at a high level and instead of doing it the right way, I started using Nats. It was a dumb thing to do.”

Some reports estimate that as many as 90% of current major leaguers use PENs to help with on-field performance. Though Major League Baseball has done very little to combat this issue, Congress may soon get involved to stop PEN use by contracting the embarrassment of a franchise from the league.

Family, friends worried about Jamie Moyer’s baseball use

December 1, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Though Jamie Moyer insists his baseball use is purely recreational and he could stop whenever he wanted, family and friends expressed concern that the free agent pitcher suffers from what one family member describes as a “crippling addiction to baseball.”

“This is the second time in a matter of months he’s been put in the hospital, but he’s already talking about doing baseball as soon as he’s out,” said longtime friend and teammate Raul Ibanez. “That’s all he talks about now: Where he’ll do it, how long he’ll do it and who he’ll do it with. It breaks my heart.”

An intervention was held on Tuesday to address Moyer’s problem, but the 48-year-old told everyone “[he] don’t need no help” before leaving to sell his body for a 1-year contract.

Phillies players urged to donate ‘anything at all’ to lineup

October 20, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The Philadelphia Phillies are teaming up with fans and the Get Your Ass In Gear Foundation to try and prevent early onset elimination and are now urging players to get involved.

“Our best chance at beating this thing is if the players start to get involved,” said GYAIGF chairman Steven Hughes. “I know a lot of them are probably thinking ‘Well, I’m only one person, my contribution doesn’t mean much,’ but that’s not true. A single hit from Raul Ibanez or even Chase Utley could mean the difference in this battle against watching a Rangers-Giants World Series. And no one wants to see that happen.”

Hughes went on to say that he got the idea to ask for players’ contributions after watching the Giants solicit their players with great success in Game 3.

The Phillies are in serious trouble right now, by Joey Bagadonuts

April 19, 2010 by  
Filed under Analysis & Opinions

Raul Ibanez can’t hit, Kendrick can’t get anyone out, the Marlins just showed they can beat us, the Braves are right on our tails, Moyer’s old as hell, Jimmy Rollins is hurt, Lidge is stinking it up in the minors and won’t be able to close, Danys Baez and David Herndon can’t hold a lead, J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton are missing starts, Chase Utley stopped hitting homers, the Cardinals have Albert Pujols, Placido Polanco’s average is below .400, nobody’s stealing bases, fans are projectile vomiting on little girls, I still don’t trust Cole Hamels and I’m worried about what’s gonna happen with this team.

One of the first things the Phillies need to do is bench Raul and give Ben Francisco a chance out there. We should be able to trade Raul for some bullpen help, which is what we need anyway. I just don’t know why Charlie keeps putting him in the lineup when he stinks like this. I’m pretty sure Domonic Brown is ready by now. Why don’t we bring him up to take Raul’s place? What’s the hold up here?

The Marlins and Braves are seriously on our ass in the NL East and I think it’s gonna be a serious battle the whole year and there’s a chance we could miss the playoffs. The Marlins just beat us in two out of three games and even though the Braves are hitting .233 as a team right now, when they get going, they’re gonna be dangerous with the pitching staff they have. I just don’t feel right about our chances right now.

There are so many other things we need to fix before we can consider ourselves a real contender in the National League. I’m as optimistic as they come, but I’m freaking out right now. I know we’re only 12 games into the season, but if this isn’t time to hit the panic button, then when is?

Report: Halladay retires six Yankee batters on two pitches

March 4, 2010 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

New Phillies ace Roy Halladay reportedly needed only two pitches to retire six of the seven Yankee batters he faced in Thursday’s Spring Training opener.

“He was every bit as amazing as we thought he’d be,” Raul Ibanez said of Roy Halladay’s performance. “To go out there and retire 12 batters on one pitch is just sick.”

The only baserunner allowed during Halladay’s 19-inning outing came on a throwing error by Placido Polanco in the first inning. Polanco would later apologize to Halladay and praised his new teammate for an impressive no-pitch performance that killed at least five Yankees.

Several Phillies caught panhandling for offensive help

September 3, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

A small group of downtrodden Phillies gathered outside of Citizens Bank Park on Thursday to beg for hitting tips to help them through recent hard times at the plate.

Raul Ibanez, who batted .193 with four RBIs in 24 August games, seemed to be the most aggressive among the group of panhandlers.

“Please, I’ll take anything you got right now,” Ibanez said nervously scratching his neck. “You’re telling me you can’t spare a bunt single? Not even a Texas-Leaguer? I know you at least have a couple nubbers you can give me. I’m desperate, baby.”

While Jayson Werth just ended a very productive August in which he hit .284 with seven homers, most of that production has come with the Phils already in the lead or with no one on base.

The All-Star rightfielder joined Ibanez for much of the day outside the ballpark trying to wash car windows for spare clutch hits.

“Most people just told me to [expletive] off,” Werth said. “I just hope  they never have to deal with not knowing where or when your next clutch RBI is going to come. It’s a hopeless feeling.”

Ibanez DL-bound after Phils nix his offer to play without groin

June 18, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

The Phillies will be without their most productive hitter for at least the next two weeks after Raul Ibanez was placed on the DL with a left groin strain. Ibanez has been bothered by the injury since April and offered to have the troubled groin removed altogether last week in an effort to stay on the field, but the Phils elected to give him some time off instead.

“I’d still rather just have it removed so I can just get back to work,” Ibanez said on Thursday. “Jim Abbott played for ten years without a hand. I’d look like a wuss if I didn’t at least offer to go groinless. But, I’ll let the doctors do their job.”

John Mayberry Jr. will be called up to take Ibanez’s roster spot and play RF for the Phillies while Jayson Werth will shift over to LF.

Ibanez homers again, adding to suspicion that he’s not human

June 12, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Raul Ibanez crushed a three-run homer in the top of the 10th inning to finish off the Mets 6-3 on Thursday, but his recent power surge is starting to raise eyebrows around the blogosphere.

Though it was originally suggested that Ibanez’s numbers were steroid-aided, his statistics are now being manipulated to imply that he is not actually human. Well-respected bloggers have indicated that he may be a cyborg assassin sent from the future to destroy the souls of Mets fans before they all turn into unbearable douchebags come September.

“If you’ll just take a look at some of the amazing stats I’ve compiled here, you’ll see that I’m trying to insinuate that Ibanez is cheating by being a robot, but I’ve left myself just enough wiggle room to backtrack and act like I’m his biggest fan,” writes an anonymous blogger from the wack-looking Midwest Tools blog. “It’s the most honorable stance to take as a respected blogger, plus ESPN was dumb enough to have me on as some kind of expert, so it was pretty much a win-win for me.”

Ibanez didn’t take kindly to the accusations and even went so far as to leave a flaming bag of his stool on the blogger’s doorstep for testing.

“Roger Maris turned into Babe Ruth when he put on a Yankee uniform but no one thought anything of it,” said Ibanez. “I’m just out there having a good time, playing hard and doing my job. It’s just kind of a dick thing to do to start trouble where there is none to begin with.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: would like to remind the viewing public that we live in a society where you are innocent until proven guilty and that we should leave the PED suspicion to the real jackasses of the game like Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens. Raul Ibanez is a stand up guy and should be treated as such. If he’s found guilty of PED use, this website will be the first to jump on him and treat him like unwanted, shit-stained draws, but seriously . . . find something else to write about in the meantime.

Milwaukee’s vendetta against All-Star game leaves Ibanez sixth in outfield voting

May 27, 2009 by  
Filed under Headlines, Phillies

Major League Baseball’s All-Star game apparently slept with the Milwaukee’s wife or killed its first born because the city continues to piss on what used to be a proud fixture of Americana.

Bud Selig, baseball’s commissioner and former owner of the Brewers, signed his own declaration of war against the Midsummer Classic by enacting the “homefield advantage” rule in 2003.

Brewers fans have now picked up where Selig left off by voting for several of their undeserving players in this year’s contest. Bill Hall is currently hitting .223 with four homers and 11 RBIs and sits in second place, well ahead of Chipper Jones, Ryan Zimmerman and Aramis Ramirez at third base.

J.J. Hardy is hitting .247 with five homers and 23 RBIs and leads all NL shortstops in voting, ahead of Hanley Ramirez, Jimmy Rollins and Jose Reyes.

Best of all, Jason Kendall’s .206 average and zero homers were sufficient enough to earn him second place among NL catchers, ahead of Russell Martin, Ivan Rodriguez and Brian McCann.

Raul Ibanez, easily the most productive hitter in all of baseball, trails five other men in NL outfield voting, including suspended male-impersonator Manny Ramirez and Brewers outfielder Mike Cameron.

Baseball fans outside of Milwaukee are now permitted to cast their vote for deserving players, like Ibanez, and are encouraged to vote up to 25 times per email address.

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